In gathering information for my High-Achieving Woman article on recognition, I interviewed the CIO of a local company who is very satisfied with where she is in her life. When we talked about recognition, she made an insightful comment, that maybe the reason why women feel they aren’t recognized enough is because they don’t value themselves enough. Therefore, they look outwardly for validation and value. This really made me think. On the one hand, we want to be acknowledged for the work we do, at the very least so that we know we’re on the right track. On the other hand, we crave acceptance and approval from those we work with, and there even may be a little of “I did this, what did YOU do?” in there. Taking this even further, most of us have trouble accepting praise; at best it make us uncomfortable, at worse it makes us embarrassed. Think about how you reacted the last time someone paid you a compliment. Did you shrug it off with a weak “It was nothing…” or thank them? And finally, how often do we acknowledge others for a job well done? Do we just assume it’s their job, so they don’t deserve any extra recognition, or do we freely shower our peers and subordinates (and even managers!) with a “Well done!”?
So, what do we do about our constant need for recognition? Here are my thoughts on it:
1) Become independent of other people’s opinions. Realize the value of what you’re doing, and let go of the need to impress others. This is easier said than done! But when you finally get it, it is very freeing. Your happiness and sense of worth are no longer dependent on other people; you are confident in yourself, and you will find yourself feeling better about your accomplishments. (Note: a side effect of this is that you inadvertently give up your need to judge others – you allow them to be independent of your opinion. This is even more freeing: you will feel light as a feather when the goodness and rightness of the world is no longer your sole responsibility!)
2) Celebrate your accomplishments. Don’t let them slip on past. Go out to lunch with a friend and toast yourself! Call your parents and brag! Have a party! There are endless ways to acknowledge that you reached a milestone, achieved a goal, pulled off the impossible. Don’t wait for others to do this for you. You’ll be surprised at how much your friends and allies will enjoy celebrating with you.
3) Learn how to toot your own horn! This is where you acknowledge to your manager and above what you accomplished, and the impact it has on the company. You state facts, and are doing this so they are aware of the results. And when they congratulate you, say “Thank you!” (Note: this has the side effect of getting you noticed by upper-management, which positively impacts your salary and bonus)
4) Start noticing when other people do a particularly good job, and let them know you noticed. It takes very little effort to say “Good job!”, and it can really brighten someone’s day.
I’ve been practicing these steps, and I must admit it’s been wonderful to no longer need people’s approval. I now find, when someone congratulates me, I reply with a heartfelt “Thank you!” and beam with joy. Sometimes it takes me by surprise, now that I’m no longer looking for it, and I’m even more delighted.
Amazing how changing your perception can change your life…