What do you want? Quickly, without thinking too much, articulate out loud what you really
want. What did you say?
· A million dollars?
· A beautiful house and a beach house besides?
· A fancy new car?
· To be able to buy all the clothes and shoes you want?
Sound familiar? Chances are your list is very similar to the one above, which was my list not too long ago. Most people start the list with money, lots of it. “I want to be rich! “ Most of the time this is followed by wistful looks and sighs, acknowledging that this will never happen, and we’re all doomed to lives of perpetual…l [poverty, middle-class, hard work, not enough money….] take your pick. Books such as The Secret give people temporary hope that if they just think about it correctly, they’ll be able to have the riches, houses, easy life that they dream of. However, ‘reality’ soon sets in and they’re back to their lives of… [poverty, middle-class, hard work, not enough money….] take your pick.
I’d like to suggest that maybe the problem is not that our dreams are out of reach, but that we really haven’t properly defined those dreams. After all, to get what you want, you must first clearly define it. How do you know what to work for, if you haven’t really identified what that is?
Take, for example, a conversation I had with someone not long ago. When this young fellow heard that I am a success coach, and that I help people get what they really want out of life, he joked “Then can you help me get a million dollars?”. So I asked him if that was what he really wanted. When he said with an incredulous look “Of course! Doesn’t everyone?”, we had the following conversation:
Me: “Why do you want a million dollars?”
Him: “So I never have to work again, and I can play golf every day!”
Me: “You’d be happy playing golf every day?”
Him: “Well, not really, but I’d like to play golf whenever I want to.”
Me: “Is that all you want to do?”
Him: “Well, no, I’d also like to be able to spend time with my family.”
Me: “And you don’t want to work?”
Him: “No, I actually like to work, but I don’t want to have to work the long hours I’m working now.”
After a couple of minutes of conversation, we established that what he really wanted was to work less than 40 hours a week, and have at least one day a week to spend with his family, and one day a week to play golf. This is a far cry from wanting a million dollars, as he sheepishly admitted. He is not alone. Most people equate lots of money with having all you need. They feel that if they’re rich, they wouldn’t have to work and would be able to do anything they want to do. Thus, when they’re challenged to state what they want out of life, they automatically start the list with ‘a million dollars’.
I’m reminded of the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun”, where Diane Lane’s character told a friend that all she wanted was to have a wedding in her house, and a baby, and joy. Later in the movie, her pregnant friend showed up alone and desperate, and she took her in. Then she helped a very in-love young couple get over the objection of the girl’s father when they wanted to get married. She ended up having the wedding at her house, where a friend reminded her of what she’d told him the previous year. Sure enough, she had a wedding at her house, and a baby, and was surrounded by joy. She hadn’t even realized that she’d gotten everything she really wanted. She was so taken up by an unreal vision of what that would look like, that she didn’t recognize it when it arrived. Of course in the movie she did finally realize it, and once she’d accepted that life was really wonderful and she was happy as she was, a man came into her life. That was Hollywood, but it’s not too far off the mark.
The point is that we don’t pay close enough attention to what we really want. We don’t clearly define it, we don’t give it enough weight in our lives, and then we’re disappointed when we don’t get it. So, how do we change this? It’s actually very simple: You ask yourself
enough questions (or get someone else to ask you) to refine your desires down to a clear and obtainable vision. Then you plan how to reach that vision.
So, “having a million dollars” may translate to working fewer hours, and doing something you love. Having a beautiful new house may translate into going through your house and purging it of all the clutter that’s been dragging you down for years. Once you get down to what really motivates you and brings you joy, you will be surprised at how simple or obvious those dreams are; and how obtainable they are.
But, while figuring out your vision is not so hard; reaching it can be another story. It takes courage to make major changes in your life, and to face criticism from those closest to you. Or it may be so familiar to you once you’ve defined it, that you smack yourself in the head and say “Why didn’t I think of that before?”. In either case, building a clear vision of your dreams and desires is the first step to getting what you really want.
So, where do you start? A good coach can help you clearly define your dreams and vision. You could turn to a good friend and take turns helping each other identify your dreams, however, even best frieds might have preconceived ideas of what they think you want and won't be as objective as a coach. Remember, a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. Without that step, you remain right where you are.
So, what do you really want?